Cycles: A Love Story
by moonmythology
Summary: Sequel to "Eulogy: A Love Story." Continues Kaidan and Aida Shepard's ME3 story in both their POVs. For anyone who has loved and lost, and for those who hope for second chances. The focus is on the romance, not much on the in-game content. Update: As Kaidan gets inducted as the Second human spectre, Shepard and Kaidan find themselves involved in the political dramas that ensue.
1. Prologue

**A/N: **All characters and most storylines belong to Bioware, except Aida, my femShep. This is a sequel to _Eulogy: A Love Story_. Although it may be possible to appreciate the story without reading _Eulogy_, I think it is better to read that first.

Thanks to all who read, followed, favorite and reviewed _Eulogy_. I wouldn't have been able to finish that without you guys. I had fun writing that because of you. I know we will have a blast with this too.

* * *

**Prologue**

All the privilege I claim for my own sex...is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone

-Jane Austen

* * *

To: baysider2151

_The roses were lovely today. I know: I've been getting them for months now. Though I have no way of sending you a thank you note, at least I know you are thinking of me from time to time. Since the delivery is coming less and less often, I'll just assume that you're busy._

_It's fine._

_I'm just writing this to let you know how much I've missed you, and that I'll always think of Ilos in quiet moments like these._

SEND.

I heard James, who has been doing pull-ups, stop, but said nothing, before resuming. He must be getting used to my weirdness now, and of course one of them involves sending emails that would never reach its recipient. Thank the Alliance Detention's strict extranet monitoring.

First off, I'm actually glad that my emails would never reach _him_. Because what I write are actually things that I could never tell him.

Secondly, if I piss off the extranet warden enough, I may get to see a different part of the building.

Lastly, this is a lot better than thinking about the war that's coming, and what I should be doing out there, instead of sitting here typing silly unsendable love letters. Initially I had to stop thinking about him because I had to. Because I had a galaxy to save.

Well, this galaxy still needs saving, but the more I try not to think of him, the more I realize that everything in it carries me back to him, especially now that he sends me my birthday flowers.

He is thinking of me, and I'm okay with that.

James went out. I started writing again.

_The cycle of the universe starts and ends with you. It ended when I lost you. It will begin when I find you again._

SEND

James just came back, and said that the Defence Committee wants to see me. I should go.

* * *

**A/N2:** No Kaidan here. He'll be narrating again in the first chapter.


	2. Somebody That I Used to Know

**A/N: **Inspired by Domirine's comic ( art/mass-effect-musical-285257687). The next chapter will be more serious. I promise.

**Chapter 1**

**Somebody that I Used to Know**

_Kaidan_

An extranet video entitled "Horizon Redux" went viral some time ago. It only lasted less than a minute. Apparently, someone got Shepard and Joker drunk enough to sing this in a small bar, and took this video without them noticing.

Here's a transcript of the lyrics they sang:

Joker:  
_But you didn't have to cut me off  
__Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing  
__Oh I really need your love, but you treat me like a stranger  
__And I feel so rough_

Shepard:  
_But you didn't have to stoop so low  
__Accuse me of betraying you  
__And then send one email  
__Guess that I don't need that though  
__Now you're just somebody that I used to know_

Together:  
_Now you're just somebody that I used to know_

The vid got more than 10 million likes in a week. Good thing vids like these are filtered in the Detention Center. I think.

And I deserved that.

I was still a little hammered that morning of the attack. My students bought me a few drinks the night before. Yesterday was their last day of training. They were supposed to be flown to Chicago for their first mission briefing—something that has to do with getting some vital Cerberus intel, and I was supposed to follow them until I got a call from Anderson.

Not sure how those boys or where they are now.

Finding other human biotics like myself was like finding brothers. Because the rest of the galaxy thinks that we are freaks, it was easy to find some kinship in guys like them. Some of them went though Brain Camp. Others got involved in gangs, extremist groups or both. Cerberus experimented on some others.

I remember giving one last speech to them at the bar. Not sure if I was as inspiring as Shepard when I told them a version of "knock some Cerberus heads off" and "Let's show the rest of the universe what we freaks can do." It was enough for them. Most of them hate Cerberus enough. The funny thing is, they all look up to me.

These guys partly made me forget about _her_. Well, that is until last night. Not sure how much I drank, but what they gave me was enough to make me rant about my sad lonely life. I don't think I gave names though.

And then someone played that song again. With her voice.

_Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over  
__But had me believing it was always something that I'd done  
__I don't wanna live that way  
__Reading into every word you say  
__You said that you could let it go  
__And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to—_

Okay. I get it. Not sure how many bottles that song made me drink. The universe always has a way of reminding me how much I've messed up.

I was still slightly hungover when I went over to the Headquarters early the next day. Emergencies can get one to really sober up. Since she was detained there, I tried to see _her _several times. Never came close though, but I sent her favorite flowers. I wasn't even sure if she was real or not, but I just had to try or else, I would have gone crazy.

There was a massive rush inside HQ, the type that one only sees during invasions. At least, we were not sure if there was one. The Defense Committee briefed us. Word was that communications outside the system was cut overnight, and it could only mean one thing.

Good thing Shepard is in the building. Anderson was getting her.

And then it dawned on me: I was going to see _her_.

I tried not to think about it. After all, there was a possible invasion incoming. Not much I could do but wait. So I waited in the most convenient place possible: outside the courtroom where I could see her.

It didn't take too long when she arrived with Anderson and her young overly muscular bodyguard. Her hair had grown long enough for her to tie it all in a bun like she used to. The standard-issue Alliance fatigues that she was wearing made her goddess-like features stand out.

At first she didn't notice me.

After greeting with Anderson, I called out to her. "Shepard."

"Kaidan?" A pair of steely blue eyes met mine. I think she was as confused as I was.

"How did it go in there, Major?" Anderson interrupted.

I replied with something generic. I forgot what.

"Major?" she asked.

Anderson stared at both of us. "You hadn't heard?"

"No, I hadn't," she answered, her voice sounding a little bitter.

I sighed. "Sorry Shepard, it's been…"

…_a long time_.

Yes, six months since I last saw her. And a week since I tried to see her. A part of me started feeling guilty for not having the courage to see her again.

Her lips stretched to a smile. "That's ok. I'm just glad that I bumped into you."

"Yeah, me too."

Soon, she and the admiral were called away. When our eyes locked for a second, I think I tried to tell her that I meant what I said. Though it was still definitely awkward, I was glad I saw her.

There was so much to say, and there was so little time. She was so near, and yet so far. We were there together, but not the way we used to be together. It was her, but not _her_. Everything reminded me of how different everything has become.

"You know the Commander?" her bodyguard asked.

"Yeah, but now she's just…"

"What?"

"… somebody that I used to know."

"Huh?" Yeah, that got him to scratch his head.

"Nothing." _Absolutely nothing._


	3. Invasion

**Chapter 2**

**Invasion**

The rank stench of those bodies haunts me still  
And I remember things I'd best forget.

-Siegfried Sassoon

* * *

_Shepard_

I saw him. I really did.

The first time in months since his brown eyes met mine, I didn't know if I wanted to kiss him or kick his ass. Or both. In my mind though, I did those two things in reverse.

And then I learned that he was promoted to Major.

That made me to really want to kick his ass. And then kiss him.

Seriously, I saved the guy thrice. And he now outranks me? Come on. Plus, he had Alliance access. Why didn't he try to see me? And he just had to torture me by sending my birthday flowers. Yet, despite the fact that everything about us were worlds apart, he still remembered me. Despite everything, I was glad to see him. Suddenly, I remembered how much I hated him, and how much I still loved him. Everything he did, and everything about him drove me insane.

Anderson threw me a knowing look as soon as Kaidan was out of sight. Like I didn't know about him and Sanders.

As I entered the courtroom, I had to push bipolar Kaidan-centered thoughts out of my head and focus on the present. Anderson partially briefed me on the way. The Committee told me the rest. Colonies were being lost. Everything beyond the relay had gone dark.

I stepped forward. "You brought me here to confirm what you already know: the Reapers are here."

My best I-told-you-so silenced them. As much as I wanted to gloat, I pitied them for realizing everything too late. I almost wished that the story that they made up in their heads were true: that I was just one of those crazy women spouting doomsday nonsense, and that their lives could go on.

"How do we stop them?" asked one female committee member.

"Stop them?" At that point, I couldn't hide the sarcasm in my voice. "This isn't about strategy or tactics. It's about survival. The Reapers are more advanced than us, more powerful, more intelligent: they don't fear us, and they'll never take pity on us."

"But there must be some way."

"If we are going to have any chance at surviving this, we have to stand together."

"That's it?" protested another. "That's our plan?"

An officer's voice interrupted us, saying that we've lost contact with our base at the Moon. All around the room, stunned heads shook their heads in disbelief. The Reapers were moving fast.

Just as Anderson suggested that we start heading for the Normandy, vid screens around us started flashing pictures of Reapers burning through London, New York, Singapore, everywhere. Outside our window, a massive reaper loomed. The next thing I knew I was leaping away from broken glasses and fire. And then for a moment, everything went dark.

Memories came flashing in my head. Again, I was a girl of sixteen hiding under a loose floorboard. I knew that some people were trying to find me, to take me away. But then I heard explosions, terrified screams before the lights above me shattered. I tried to peek outside a little hole. There were footsteps above me, but they weren't human. I heard another terrified scream above me, it came from a boy being dragged by the hair, the same boy who threatened me a few days before at the cafeteria. I knew that I was on my own.

Anderson shook me awake and handed me a pistol. As I felt its weight on my hands, I remembered the first time I carried one. Actually, it was a flamethrower made out of some items that I had stolen from the school lab. The first time I pulled a trigger, I was frightened of its power, its ability to take something that only God was supposed to take. Even if it was a non-human life and a murderer's life, it was still a life. But I had to take its power so I could live, so I could survive. I had to hunt them down before they hunted me. Now, I got this power back once more.

"C'mon Shepard," Anderson beckoned to me outside the broken windows.

We leapt down onto a ledge. Though uncertain if we were to survive this, I just knew that we had to.

* * *

_Kaidan_

"Damn," muttered Shepard's bodyguard, whose name I learned was James Vega, as he stared incredulously towards the sky. "Those things are huge."

"Get down!" I threw a barrier on us right on time as some cannibals emerged from a meteor-like explosion and fired on us.

"What the hell are these things?" asked Vega.

I started returning fire. "Batarians. Or they used to be."

Vega sent a grenade towards them, burning a half a dozen or two and sending the rest flying backwards off the roof. "At least they can still be killed."

He was alright.

We got down onto what used to be a huge parking lot. There were craters and charred bodies everywhere. We tried not to look at their faces. Upturned cars and fallen trees gave us enough cover as we fought our way towards the port. High-rise buildings were crumbling in every direction.

All that mattered was that I get to her. I lost her once; and I couldn't lose her again.

"Joker!" I shouted at the comm. "Where the hell are you?"

"Docking Bay E33. We have husks swooping down from every direction. You really should hurry because they're scratching everything in my ship."

The port was in complete chaos. Soldiers running towards their ships were getting gunned down by an infinite number of Cannibals. Shrapnel, craters and debris lined various landing zones. Many ships that taking off were getting shot down almost within seconds. I wondered how Joker would get out of this.

The Normandy was a welcome sight after seeing all that. However, husks were clawing their way into it. Running up the ramp, I send a blast that pushed most of the husks off it. Some soldiers gave us enough cover fire as we dashed towards the doors.

Within minutes, we were running up the new Normandy's bridge.

"Battle stations, people!" shouted Joker. "This is not a drill. Repeat: this is not a drill. Get your fucking asses on those guns!" To me, he said cheerfully, "What took you so long?"

Still panting, and almost breathless I replied, "Reapers, the usual."

"You should have seen those things at the Collector base—those creepy ball-like flying things almost seared my baby in half again. Or those things that EDI and I vented out of the Normandy one time when Shepard was away."

I smiled. "I missed you too, Joker."

We barely we able to strap ourselves in when Joker fired up the engines, and sent us accelerating upwards.

The Normandy shook a bit, narrowly dodging a Reaper's red laser. A smaller ship on our right exploded right before our eyes.

Joker cleared his throat. "Kaidan, I know it is none of my business, but you were an ass to the Commander at Horizon. And that email you sent her was bullshit. You really should put more effort in making it up to her."

"You know, I would appreciate getting more relationship advice when we're not getting shot down."

"Wait," Vega interrupted, "You were the one the Commander was writing love letters to?"

"What love letters?" I asked.

He shrugged guiltily. "Nothing."

"Assholes."

* * *

_Shepard_

I have seen many civilians die and colonies and cities helplessly destroyed, but not on the scale that I saw that day.

"Joker, please get your ass here now," I mumbled as I emptied a clip at the endless wave of cannibals coming towards us.

Anderson had activated a distress beacon on the downed ship that we were cornered in. Joker was coming, but we were running out of clips. I managed to overheat their weapons a few times, but that could only slow them down.

Whether Joker made it to us or not, at least Kaidan was alive. If he and Joker made it out, maybe they could be the ones to warn the Council.

My pistol beeped. I had no more clips, but I still had my omni-blade, though my shields were weakening. If I could keep the fire towards me, I thought, maybe it would keep the cannibals off Anderson, and buy him time to escape.

Just as I was about to charge in, two missiles exploded in the cannibal's location. A familiar voice harped in, "Cavalry has arrived." The Normandy rose from the smoke.

"About time," muttered Anderson.

Vaulting over debris, I raced towards it like a lost child who after hours of searching finally found her lost home. The cargo bay door opened, and I leaped towards it, unevenly landing into a pair of strong arms that I knew so well.

"I got you," he whispered. For a moment, our eyes met. My legs almost gave in, and it wasn't because of my unsteady landing.

I replied plainly, "Thanks."

"Shepard!" Anderson called out at the top of the ramp.

"Come on!" I shouted back. "What are you waiting for?"

"I'm not coming," he declared determinedly. "You saw those men back there. There are plenty more like them and they need a leader."

"We're in this fight together Anderson!"

"It's a fight we can't win if we don't get help. We need every species, with all their ships, if we stand a chance of defeating the Reapers. Talk to the Council, convince them to help us."

_But I need you in this._ "What if they won't listen?"

"Then make them listen. Now go! That's an order."

I always followed him. Up from that time when he found me starving in the streets of London. I could still remember that rainy day when he handed me a form with a name and an address on it...The point is, I never disobeyed an order, but that was one order I couldn't just obey. "I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?"

From his pocket, he pulled a set of dog tags and tossed them to me. "Consider yourself reinstated, Commander."

The tags felt light on my hands, yet I felt its weight, and I wasn't sure if I could carry it.

"You know what you have to do," he reminded me.

I clenched the cold metal in my hand. "I'll be back for you, and I'll bring every fleet I can."

He nodded. There was no doubt in his eyes.

"Good luck."

"You too."

A few moments later, he ran towards an Alliance shuttle that managed to leave immediately. At least he was safe.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spied a little girl of six or seven. Her short blonde braids nestled on her shoulders. She was one of the neighborhood children, and I had seen her once or twice outside my window. Her mom was a nurse at the Detention Center. Toy ship in hand, she climbed onto one of the newly arrived Alliance shuttles, ushered in by one of the marines. For a moment, she was safe. But to my horror, the shuttle got caught in a Reaper beam, along with the one that followed it.

I couldn't close my eyes to such devastation, because it is one that I am too familiar with. As the Normandy pulled us farther and farther away from all the fire and explosions, I realized that for a second time, I had lost a home.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews, guys. Aida can be a little crazy over Kaidan sometimes, but it is most likely because she rarely expresses what she feels about him. Let me know if it is just too much.


	4. Trust Issues

**A/N: **Hi guys, thanks so much for your reviews. Honestly, though I really had fun writing _Eulogy_, I am having much more fun here. Maybe it is because I find it easier to write using Aida's POV, and the tone here is much more flexible. _Eulogy_'s overall tone had to be sad, because it was about Kaidan losing Shepard twice. _Cycles_ is much more cheerful, because it is about these two people finding each other again.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Trust Issues**

…for aught that I could ever read,  
Could ever hear by tale or history,  
The course of true love never did run smooth

-William Shakespeare

* * *

_Kaidan_

The Martian red-grey sky raged from a distance, ready to smash anything in its path. Though Mars was a human planet, it still was a little strange because it was not home.

Earth seemed far away, and I worried about the people I love who might were still in it, when the Reapers attacked—my parents, in particular. They were headed to an orchard in the interior. Because I had no way of knowing if they had escaped, I just hoped that they were still alive, and moved on with whatever we had to do on Mars.

Hackett didn't give us the details. We just knew that it had something to do with Liara and something she found in the archives that could destroy the Reapers.

Though the planet was still untouched by the Reapers, a deathly silence reigned. Everything about it felt suspicious and uncomfortable.

"So," I began. "Vega told me you were writing love letters."

"Love letters?" She stopped and spun her head to Vega, and then me. How I wished that I could see the expression behind her helmet. "Oh…," she stuttered, "those…love letters. They're for…a novel that I've been writing."

"A novel?" _Come on._

"Yeah. Fiction."

"About?"

"Military life. About a female commander who falls in love with her lieutenant. After she disappears for a couple of years and sees that everything has changed about them, she decides to try moving on."

"And that's fiction?"

"Yup. So you see, it's dull enough."

"Not to me. I—"

"Look!" At first, I thought that she was just distracting me, but then I saw the body she pointed to. Upon examining him, it appears that his was Sgt. Reeves. Died almost without a fight.

Gunshots were heard up ahead. Hiding behind a couple of big Martian rocks, we spied Cerberus troops finishing up the executions of a few Alliance soldiers.

Shepard cloaked herself and outflanked them. Vega threw a grenade, drawing their fire towards us. Soon, both our guns were out, while Shepard, still cloaked flitted from cover to cover, and targeted their heads with her sniper rifle or her omni-blade when she got close enough, before dropping out of sight again. In less than a few minutes, all our enemies were dead. She moved so fast that Vega and I were barely able to kill anyone.

"Damn!" Vega exclaimed, cheerfully shaking his head almost disbelievingly. "No wonder you couldn't get your hands off her." Then, he suddenly remembered who outranked whom. "Sorry, Major, sir."

That was her. No wonder she got the nickname "one woman army." Additionally, she often loved operating in the shadows, which was _very_ Cerberus-like.

I asked. "What do you think are they doing here on Mars?"

"You don't know?"

"I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking."

"It wasn't, but you have to admit, it's a bit…convenient."

We spotted three abandoned trucks conveniently by the open entrance.

James observed, "It doesn't look like they came here in force."

"Must have had help from the inside," I suggested. "No way they could take this facility with anything less than a full battalion."

Shepard activated the elevator, and the massive entrance doors closed behind us

I said, striding towards her, "I need a straight answer."

"Kaidan…"

"Don't 'Kaidan' me!" I yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her. "This is business. Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

"What makes you think that I know what they're up to?"

"You worked for them for God's sake. How am I not supposed to think that?"

"We joined forces to take down the Collectors, that's it."

"There's more to it than that. They rebuilt you from the ground up, gave you a ship, resources."

"I _died_. It's not like I had a choice. And when I finally did get to make a choice, _I_ chose to leave them. I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base, and I have no idea why they're here now or what they want. Satisfied?"

"Maybe."

"Commander Shepard's been under constant surveillance since returning to Earth," Vega added, "There's no way they've communicated since."

"Sorry, Shepard, it's just that-"

The sound of air pressure finally stabilizing interrupted me. When she removed her helmet, she made no effort to hide the disappointment written all over her face. Regrettably shaking her head, she declared, "You, of all people, should know what I'm about, Kaidan. And I can't understand why you still can't trust me."

The platform finally leveled itself on the base's main floor. Stepping out of it, I tried to figure out what I could say that would not hurt her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

A loud banging on the shaft distracted us. Soon, a vent landed on the floor, along with Liara, followed by a couple of Cerberus troops shooting at her. I was about to charge in with James, but Shepard waved us off. After running a short distance, Liara turned, sending them flying with a singularity and finishing the job with a heavy pistol. They never stood a chance.

"Shepard!" Liara spun around, her lips widening to a broad smile. Shepard grabbed her into a tight hug. "Thank the goddess you are alive. But…if you're here, why in the universe didn't you help me just now?"

"And let you miss the chance to show off? Not a chance."

"I'm glad that the bleakness of the situation hasn't damped your enthusiasm." She paced down the room. "I was worried when the reports came in. They hit Earth hard?"

I nodded, and tried to mask the grim tone of my voice. "Yeah. It was…hard to leave Earth like that."

"I'm sorry." It was the first time Liara I'd seen before Horizon, and I could tell that she's changed. Much of the innocence that used to define her was now lost, but in its place, a sense of fervent determination took over. She had grown up.

Quickly, she briefed us about why Cerberus was there. Apparently, they were after a blueprint of a weapon that the Protheans almost finished—one that could destroy the Reapers.

Sounds of a distant explosion echoed. It seemed that Cerberus was getting desperate. Vega drew his weapon. "It's a race to the Archives, then. Bring it on."

"Not this time, James. Get back to the shuttle. If Cerberus beats us to the Archives, I need you covering the exits."

"But—" Another explosion made the ground shake.

"Now, Lieutenant."

"Yes, ma'am." Vega didn't seem the type who is fond of being benched, but he understood what he needed to do.

I was glad to fight with both Shepard and Liara again, even though everything about it felt nostalgic. We fought well together, that was why I missed it.

The deadly Martian air was allowed to flow freely in the cafeteria. Bodies of Alliance guards and staff were laid out, exposed to various elements. We took out the guards that were waiting for us in the next room. Security footage revealed the Cerberus' mole: Dr. Eva Core. Liara watched in horror as the vid replayed how the traitor killed the guards and vented the air inside.

"I should have realized it when I met her," lamented Liara, burying her head in her hands. "I was so focused on finding a way to stop the Reapers."

Shepard gave me a look that told me to given them a minute or two. I knew that to her, Liara was more than a best friend, more like a younger sister, though the latter was about a century older than she was. To give them some space, I focused on watching the perimeter, though I could hear them by the door and see them at the corner of my eye.

"Liara," Shepard said, reassuringly, "stopping the Reapers is the only thing we should be focused on. It's not your fault."

"But what if we're wrong? What if there's no way to stop them? What if these are our last days and we spend them scurrying around trying to solve a problem we can't fix?"

"Come on, Liara."

"You're right. I know. I shouldn't think that way. I don't know how you do it. You've always stayed focused, even in the worst situations."

"When there's so much at stake, I just think about what I'd lose if I fail." For a second there, I felt her gaze on me, but when I turned, her eyes were on Liara, who was squeezing her hand. "We'll stop them. Together."

"Thanks." Liara managed to smile again.

As we made our way to the security station and to the Archives, I realized something: there may be traitors amongst us, and Shepard may be a Cerberus pawn unknowingly, but despite all that, I wanted to trust her. I wanted to finish this fight together with her.

* * *

_Shepard_

Video footage revealed that our target has already made it to the Archives, and has taken control of the tram system.

Liara tried overriding it without success. "We're completely locked out."

"Not if we can find a short range communicator," Kaidan suggested. "And we convince them that we're on their side, tell them the Alliance forces have been taken cared of."

I paused. Kaidan was not always one to take charge, but his suggestion made sense. From the time I saw him again, I realized that he has changed, and I was starting to like it, though it was apparent that he still couldn't trust me. Good thing I had enough self-control to not punch him when he previously let out a few comments implying that I was helping Cerberus. But then again, I realize that I don't have it in me to break his nose.

As he searched the bodies of the Cerberus troops we killed, Liara whispered with a suggestive look in her pale blue eyes, "The Major has become very capable."

Soon, I heard him call me in the next room, where I found him standing over one dead Cerberus soldier, loosening its helmet. "He's got a transmitter in his helmet, if I can—Oh God."

The dead soldier's eyes glowed unnaturally, along with several lines that ran down his eerily pale face, and it wasn't time we saw something like that. Kaidan gasped, "He looks like a husk."

"Yeah, not quite, but they've definitely done something to him."

"And by they, you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy?" His eyes scanned the body, and then me. "Is this what they did to you?"

"How the hell can you compare me to him?" I snapped._ I am definitely much better looking than that_. Apart from my insulted pride, I was getting frustrated at him and at myself. Through all this time, I was reaching out to him, finding ways to tell him that he could trust me and that I'm still me, but I just couldn't find the right words.

"Shepard, I don't know what you are. Or who. Not anymore, not since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself."

I buried my fingers on my neck, unsure of what to do, what to say to convince him. "Kaidan…"

"Don't try to explain it. I don't think I'd understand anyway. None of it makes any sense: you dying and coming back to life, us drifting apart…I just couldn't understand it."

_Us._ He hadn't mentioned that in a long time, to the point that I never even knew if the "us" still existed.

He stared blankly at the construction floor below us like he was looking for something far away, something that he had lost. "If I could only get a hint, or a small clue that you're really still in there, I would go though hell to bring you back."

"You don't have to. I'm still here." At this point, his ardent brown eyes directed its steady gaze towards me. "They didn't change me, Kaidan, or how I…" I sighed. The words were there, but I just couldn't get it out. Just like on Earth. Just like on Horizon. Maybe he wasn't completely to blame for that. "But it really doesn't matter, does it? Words will never convince you."

"Nope. But I wish it could." For the first time in a long time, he earnestly smiled at me. The way that he looked at me, it was as if he was still longing for me after all those months that he kept his distance. I didn't know what to do.

I extended my hand to ask for the transmitter that he was still clutching in his. "Hand me the trans—"

"By the way, your heroine…"

Suddenly I remembered why I wanted to shoot James.

"Does she move on?"

"I don't know." _I never have._

"Let me know if she doesn't."

_I'll try._ But this was hardly the time for that.

At this point, his glistening hazel eyes were purely fixed on mine, which anxiously darted back to the transmitter in his hands. "I really need that transmitter."

"Oh yeah, right. The transmitter." I felt his hands fumble as he sheepishly passed it to me.

At least we're getting somewhere.


	5. Revelations

**Chapter 4**

**Revelations**

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.

-George Eliot

_Shepard_

Cerberus' modified soldiers are only drones. I did not know what the Illusive Man has done to them, or what his purpose was. Each time I think of what he has done for humanity, I am reminded of how much he has lost his, and wonder how much of it do I still have inside myself. A part of me always second-guesses myself: how much have I changed since I came back to life? I have made my own choices when I was working with Cerberus, but how much of it were really mine? I know these questions will always haunt me all the days of my life.

We made our way inside the central chamber. My right arm sent Kaidan to check the perimeter while my eyes marveled at the simple poetic symmetry of the Prothean structures. Liara started mining the console for data when I heard the Illusive Man's eerily familiar voice behind me, "Shepard."

I turned. Of course I expected to see the devil himself in this circle of hell. Liara defensively pointed her weapon to him.

"Fascinating race, the Protheans: they left all this for us to discover, but we squandered it. The Alliance has known about the Archives for more than thirty years, and what have they don't with it?"

I have played his games before, and I have grown sick of them. "What do you want?"

He proudly looked up at the Prothean artifacts behind me. "What I've always wanted. The data in these artifacts holds the key to solving the Reaper threat."

I disapprovingly shook my head. "I've seen your solution. Your people are turned into monsters."

"Hardly. They're being improved."

_Oh please._ "Improved? There is almost nothing human left your mindless puppets."

"That's what separates us Shepard: where you see a means to destroy, I see a way to control—to dominate and harness the Reapers' power. Imagine how strong humanity can be if we controlled them."

"Earth is under siege and you are hatching a way to control the Reapers?"

He took a whiff from his cigarette. "You've always been short sighted, hasty. Your destruction of the Collector base proved that."

"That base was an abomination," I pointed out. "Hundreds of thousands of humans were _murdered_ there."

"This isn't your fight any longer, Shepard. You can't defeat the Reapers, even with the Prothean data."

"No!" I protested. "You know I have beaten the odds a thousand times before. I can do it again. Work _with_ me. Give me control of your resources and I'll stop them."

Liara looked at me quizzically, but I knew what I was doing. I have made a deal with this devil before, and I had no qualms about making another because it was necessary.

"You'd do better than most," he acknowledged, "But the odds aren't in your favor."

"If I remember correctly, the odds were never in my favor."

"More importantly," he stressed, "I don't want the Reapers destroyed. We can dominate them, use their power, harness their very essence to bring humanity at the apex of evolution."

"Humanity will never reach that apex if you bring us all down with your delusions of power. You have gone too far."

"I don't expect you to understand, Shepard. And I am certainly not looking for your approval. You were a tool, and yet despite our differences, you were relatively successful."

At that point, another figure appeared behind him—a man, partially synthetic and deadly. Another minion, perhaps?

"But like the rest of the relics in this place," the Illusive Man continued, "your time is over."

He had his tools; I had my friends, and we were got giving up that easily. "Enough talk." As if reading my mind, Liara hastened back to the console.

"Don't interfere with my plans, Shepard." He warned, threateningly pointing a lit cigarette at me. "I won't warn you again."

"Noted."

"Shepard!" Liara gasped, "The data! It's being erased."

Before his image faded, his flashed me a deadly smile. "Goodbye, Shepard."

I strode back to Liara. "Damn it! How is he doing it?"

"It's local. Someone's uploading the information."

"Hey!" Kaidan suddenly yelled out from one of the closed booths at the back. "Step away from the console! Now!"

A few seconds later, Liara and I spotted a figure—the woman we saw on the security vids—running towards the door, with Kaidan limping behind. He shouted, "She's got the data!"

I sprinted after her. She wasn't getting away.

* * *

_Kaidan_

I heard everything. The Illusive Man was crazy, and Shepard was probably mad to attempt striking a deal with the bastard. But at least, their argument confirmed my best hopes—that she was telling the truth.

Was I relieved? Of course I was.

Happy? Definitely.

But that was not the time for a reconciliation.

After Liara noted that the data was being deleted locally, I heard a noise behind one of the enclosed terminals. I rounded the corner and drew my weapon to the figure inside, demanding her to step away from the console.

Without warning, she slammed her omni-tool into the console, and sent a strong kick that knocked me flat. I called out to the others and skipped after her.

We chased her up towards the roof. Since she got out without a helmet on, it could be safely assumed that she was synthetic or at least partially synthetic. She ran so fast, occasionally sending fire that burned shields. A Cerberus shuttle was following her. Shepard tried calling James again, but in our radios could we only hear a garbled response. "Cerberus has the data! Radio the Normandy! Get them down here now!"

When we made it to the landing pad, it was too late. She already managed to jump on the shuttle. Shepard cried desperately, "James! Normandy! Anybody?"

As if it was the answer to her frantic prayer, I heard James' voice crackle on the radio. "I got this one!"

The Alliance shuttle rammed the Cerberus shuttle, making it spin out of control towards us. I threw myself out of the way. When I looked up, the Cerberus shuttle was in flames, and my two companions were groaning on the ground.

James' landing was terrible too. He hopped out with a self-satisfied smile.

"You almost killed us!" Shepard shouted as he helped her up.

"From what I heard, nothing can kill you guys, especially you, Commander."

She growled, "Just don't do that again."

I spotted Liara struggle getting up. Instantly, I dashed to pull her up. She was clutching her side, and I was unsure if she had broken a rib or something, so I draped her arm across my shoulders. Liara muttered, "We need that data."

A slight rumble came from the burning shuttle. Eva Core, her metal skin blackened by the flames, stepped out. I managed to push Liara out of the way, but I didn't react fast enough. I felt my windpipe slowly getting crushed inside her hand's inhuman strength.

Shepard aimed a pistol at my captor. "Let him go."

Her threats were ignored, and soon I felt my skull being smashed repeatedly on the shuttle's hard metal. Strong shocks burned through my brain, and my biotics flared uncontrollably. The pain was unbearable; for a moment, I could not feel anything else—not even my own body as it hit the floor.

I heard several gunshots, and a loud crash. As my senses were staring to fade, I felt a strong hand squeeze mine. I knew whom it belonged to. "Please Kaidan," she pleaded. "Stay with me."

In that moment, images and memories flashed: my childhood, Jump Zero, Rahna, the Normandy, my students and then her. I wanted to squeeze her hand back, and tell her that I believed her, and that everything was going to be alright.

But darkness closed in before I could tell her how much she meant to me.


	6. Confession

**A/N2: **Okay, I had to add a little bit more backstory, because I found this chapter a little lacking. I hope it does make this chapter better.

**Chapter 5**

**Confession**

_Shepard_

The hospital was full of people: refugees and soldiers traumatized and injured on nearby planets. There were obviously not enough rooms because beds were laid out on corridors. An asari doctor ushered me to the waiting room, and showed me a couple of scans. "There's definitely some hemorrhaging," she said, "He's in the operating room. We need to stop the bleeding, and see what the trauma has done to his implant."

I took a few slow breaths, and tried to keep the horrifying movie in my head from rewinding to that scene where I was made to watch the Illusive Man's drone slam Kaidan repeatedly on the cold hard metal and to see how Kaidan repeatedly convulse wildly from the pain. I wanted to hunt the Illusive Man, but I knew that thinking like that wouldn't help Kaidan.

"Do what you can," I replied calmly, "We need him alive."

She nodded, and handed me a form to sign. Her stylus dropped to the floor, and I biotically picked it up. Her eyes examined me curiously, as I wrote my signature. "Commander, I did not know that you were a biotic."

"Now you do."

All my life, I have been afraid of what people might say about me. I never wanted to be judged by who or what I am. I merely wanted my place in the world so I kept my secrets, and this was one of them. Only a few people knew; people I trusted. Anderson was one of them (he was the one who helped me get around all the Alliance procedures for human biotics), and then later Liara. I never used biotics in combat. When Kaidan found out, he didn't take it well at first, but it is because of him that I learned to accept what I am. I have not learned any of those special talents (though I practiced reaving a bit with Samara), but I could throw a decent barrier, and at least I have learned to read people's energies. I can tell: the energy whenever I am around _him_ is the best—because whenever I feel it, I know that I am safe. It feels like home.

* * *

Mindoir, 2170

_I, the miserable and the abandoned, am an abortion, to be spurned at, and kicked, and trampled on._

Mr. Cox couldn't keep his class one day, and it was the day where I was called to read a passage from the novel we were reading in Literature class. When I stepped out to the front of the classroom, the class screamed various synonyms of the words _freak_ and _monster_ at me. They only quieted down when Eddie, the most popular boy in school, who in my opinion looks like a cheap boy band clone, stood up and told them to be quiet. "Let the freak speak," he said.

I pushed my glasses in to keep them from falling off, and turned my book to the proper page.

"Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay  
To mould me Man, did I solicit thee  
From darkness to promote me?"

I closed my book. "Shelley quotes Milton for a reason. Monsters never ask to be created, only that they be treated fairly. If we truly uphold the principles that many of our human heroes stood up for: liberty, justice, equality, brotherhood, then the monsters of this world—criminals, modern slaves, biotics may find a place in this world…"

At the point, the class became rowdy again, and I could not continue my speech. Thankfully, the bell rang, and I took that opportunity to run outside.

As I was quietly walking down the hallway, realizing that my mother was right about school and that I should have simply let her homeschool me, a hand grabbed my collar and slammed me against the lockers, making me drop my books. Three boys by age, I knew them—they were Eddie's minions—cornered me, and pressed me against the hard metal behind me. One of them said, "Your mother is not from these parts. And we heard that she was saved from a transport crash…"

"And that your father found her in a lab…" added another. "And that eezo accident in your father's farm a few years ago..."

I interrupted. "Those are just stories…"

A fist pounded only a few inches from my face. "We also heard about your little stunt on the football field last week. About someone emitting a blue aura…does that have anything to do with why you can run so fast?"

"No…"

The third boy snickered. "Let's see how fast you can run now…"

But I was never given the opportunity to run. They dragged me into an empty lab, threw me on a table and started tearing off my clothes. I tried to scream, but no one heard me. Then, as I felt a hand forcing my legs apart, something erupted inside me—a force that pushed those three boys, knocking them towards the walls. Two of them managed to run away, but one of them lay still on the floor.

The boys were sent to the hospital that day, and the local cops did not questions me because they found red sand on the boys' bags, but people started asking questions.

My life was never the same.

That night, as I cried in my mother's arms, I asked, "Am I a monster, mom?"

"Yes. But so was Medusa and she was beautiful. People made stories about her just so people would not look into her face, and see how beautiful she was. That is what normal people do."

"Then I will be normal. I will keep the monster hidden."

And so I did.

* * *

Normandy, 2183

_Pain has an element of blank;  
__It cannot recollect  
__When it began, or if there was  
__A time when it was not.  
__It has no future but itself,  
__Its infinite realms contain  
__Its past, enlightened to perceive  
__New periods of pain._

He listened to me read Dickinson. I realized that _he_ too was a person who knew pain. He started talking about BAaT, and someone he lost. I listened to him, but I wished I could tell him my story. I thought that maybe, if I could help him heal, I could let myself heal too.

I told him, "Talking does not make you a whiner or immature: it makes you human." Though I felt like a hypocrite, he seemed to believe me. He wanted to be there for me "when this is all over."

An accident with some biotic extremists revealed the secret that I have been keeping. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked bitterly.

I replied plainly, "You didn't have to know." Because I had no words to tell him how it pained me to not tell him.

But even if I lied, he still came after me. "I'll still be there," he said, "you know, when it's all over."

Still I had no words to tell him what I wanted to say.

_I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,  
__in secret, between the shadow and the soul._

I kept repeating scripts, lines just so I could be who people expect me to be. My life was a farce. But with him, everything felt real.

* * *

I sighed. Maybe Kaidan was right to distrust me, because I have lied to him once.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Dr. Chakwas gave me a warm smile. I pulled her into a tight hug. I glad to see her, and I sure needed it at that moment. "My poor dear," she murmured. "We managed to stop the bleeding, control the swelling for the moment and close the wound. Miraculously, his implant is still intact. But…he's in deep coma. For now, he has to be monitored. No one can really be sure if he'll ever wake up. He's in the recovery room, but Dr. Michel has just given you access."

It's been months since I last saw her. I wanted to ask how she was, and what she was doing at Huerta, but before I even managed to open my mouth, she sent the room number to my omni-tool. "Go, Commander. He needs you. I'll see you later."

I made a mental note to find and thank Dr. Michel later, especially more so since I haven't visited her since Kaidan, Garrus, Ashley and I found her in the wards.

The recovery room wasn't far. I had to change into more sterile robes and wear nets and gloves to be allowed inside. That meant that I couldn't touch him, but at least it got me near him.

The room was small. There were machines all around him, some of which were plugged in different parts of his head. I could barely see his face with all the tubes, the mask and some bandages. It was difficult to see.

I sat on the stool beside him, and started talking.

"Hey, uh…people say that people can hear you when they're sleeping. I'm not even sure if that real or if that's something that some people tell to make it easier—you know for the person who's awake, the one who's watching and waiting. But in case it's true, then you will need to get up there and let me know, okay?"

I looked around. The doctors and nurses were kind enough to leave us alone, though I was sure that they were monitoring his vital signs somewhere.

"Since for some odd reason I am usually get tongue-tied whenever I am with you and since they don't allow datapads in here, I memorized a list. Five reasons why you shouldn't die. From the most important to the least important."

I cleared my throat, and tried to make sound a little bit more cheerful.

"One: I need another biotic in my team. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but Liara has been working hard, and she could sure use a break or two. And I need to practice with, you know, the best."

"Two: You're a good soldier, and a great asset to the war. And that's not just because of your biotics."

"Three: Joker misses picking on you."

"Four: In case you meet Ash somewhere, she would be disappointed to find out that you gave up too early."

"And five…which is probably not important, but I really should say it…"

I paused, and my voice dropped to a whisper.

"I love you."

At that point, I found myself fighting back my tears. It was the first time that I managed to say it out loud to him, and he was never going to hear it.

"Please come back, because I need you."

A knock was heard on the door. A nurse came in a few seconds later. "Excuse me, Commander, but the Council is meeting in twenty minutes."

There was nothing I wanted more than to stay with him, but I was needed somewhere else. So I left, even though everything around me seemed to carry me back to him.

* * *

**A/N:** Aida is an Infiltrator. In my first plot plan for Eulogy, she was supposed to be just that. However, once, when I was playing ME2 I noticed the bonus powers. My favorite bonus power was "Reave." Suddenly, a plot bunny came and I couldn't get it out of my head. I hope it wasn't too much.

I didn't find the ME3 hospital procedures realistic, so I tweaked it a bit.


	7. Waking Up

**A/N: **Happy Easter everyone!

I'm sorry this took long. I had to revise the previous chapter twice, because I felt like it needed more flashbacks for context. I added two. Let me know if it's better, if the flashbacks don't fit, or if it is overly dramatic. In many ways, you guys are helping me write this.

Lots of reconciliations in this chapter. After all the angst in _Eulogy_, I think he deserves it.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

**Waking Up**

_Kaidan_

I had beautiful dreams when they said I was in a coma.

In one dream, I was married to her. We had three kids, and there was no war to keep us away from each other.

In another, she said she loved me.

Waking up is so hard when one realizes that one's dreams are not real, and when one wants them to be real.

At first, I could only hear voices. People talking about the war, lost loved ones, someone getting poisoned, and someone needing implants. Occasionally, I heard my name, and it was often paired with "Commander Shepard."

Various machines surrounded my bed. Faces peered down on me. I knew one of them, because I used to date her before I saw Shepard again on Horizon. "Relax Kaidan," Rhianna said casually. "I'm not the ghost of Christmas past."

I couldn't move much, and there was still a sharp pain inside my head.

"Just be glad that you're seeing me instead of Dr. Michel. I'm her fellow, and since you're seeing me instead of her, that means you're not in any danger anymore."

She quickly gave me the update on what happened. I couldn't understand any of the medical gibberish, but what I got from it was that my implant got rattled after the beating I took. "Your scans are now ok. But we can't let you go because we can't let you use your biotics yet."

She came by several times. The meds that she gave me tasted horrible. One of those times, I noticed a ring on her finger. Then, I remembered the letter she wrote, about her getting engaged, and how she said she could not wait for me. The guilt resurfaced. I kept her waiting. I said, "I'm sorry."

"I know." For the first time, I saw her smile.

"Congratulations." I pointed to her ring finger.

"I guess I have you to thank for that."

"Really?" I blinked.

"You helped me grow up," she said bluntly. "I guess part of me is looking for guys who I want to fix, but I realize that I have to fix myself. And luckily, someone came along who wanted me for me."

I frowned. "Not sure that was how I would have helped anyone. I was an ass for leaving you hanging."

"Yeah, you were." She looked cheerful about it. I think she really moved on. "But I can tell that you were a nice guy before."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, I was."

She took both my hands in hers. "Listen, you may have made a few mistakes along the way, but don't be sorry about trying to find yourself again."

I nodded, "Thanks." She was right though. I realized that I have lost part of myself when I lost Shepard, but when I finally realized that she was back, I found it again.

Soon, a nurse called her, and she had to leave, but before she stepped out of my room, she peeked her head back inside. "By the way, Commander Shepard tried to see you."

That definitely got me excited. "Really?"

"Good luck."

I saw her a few more times after that, but at least I never got that feeling again of her wanting to kill me secretly, even though the meds that she still gave me still tasted like poison.

A drell was temporarily transferred to my room one day. The nurses called him Mr. Nuara, and he looked familiar. Though he never said anything at first, I noticed that he kept looking sideways towards me. Then, his eyes widened, trance-like he started muttering,

_Door opens. 'Should I or should I not?' She glances at an image. Hers and another's. Human. Alliance. She whispers, 'Kaidan, I would give everything to have you here.'_

Because I heard my name, my curiosity got the better of me. "Do I know you?"

"No," he said plainly in his throaty voice. "But I know someone who does."

Suddenly, I remembered. I saw him in one of the files when I was Intelligence-stalking Shepard. His name was Thane Krios, an assassin. "Are you alright? You seemed…"

"I'm fine. Though these days, memories keep coming back—both those that brought joy and sadness."

Memories. I have read about the drell and their perfect memories, and I have always wondered what his association was with Shepard. "Was that memory happy or sad?"

"Both," he admitted. "She is the only friend I have had in years. She listened to me. She protected my son. But she is not mine. I thought after all these years, the gods have granted me another…but I was mistaken, because she already belonged to another."

It felt strange talking to him about her, but in many ways, it was what drew me to him. "Did you tell her about all this?"

His eyes flexed again. _She says, 'You have your son again.' Pulse quickens at her smile. 'Siha,' I call her. Sapphire eyes curiously examining mine. 'My translator just glitched. What did you call me?' Lips widen. 'Siha,' I repeat, 'Someday I'll tell you what it means.'_

He smiled contentedly. "No, I never did. But it does not matter. She has given me enough reason to live."

Another drell came. His son, I think. They did not talk much. The son read a lot from a prayer book, but I could tell that the visit made my new friend genuinely happy.

My new friend talked a lot about Shepard. He told me the stories that aren't in the reports: the Illusive Man setting up Horizon, how the Illusive Man almost lured them inside the Collector ship, the suicide mission itself, and many other stories. Though some of them were second hand information, at least they made me see those days in a new light.

I wanted to hear more, but my friend was transferred to another room. Udina may have had a hand in it, because he came by a few days later. At first, he said it was a social visit, but then he asked me to become a Spectre. I realized how serious his visits were.

More than anything, I wanted to see Shepard, but I could only hear about her. According to the reports, she was in Palaven. I guess it was her way to get those alliances we needed to take back Earth. I wrote her, not because Udina was getting persistent or because I needed her advice, it was because I needed to see her.

For days, I didn't get an answer. Until one day, she walked in on Udina talking about the Spectre position again, with several take out boxes in her hands. Of course, it was a little awkward. Thankfully, Udina took the cue and made his exit after curtly nodding to Shepard.

I noticed a couple of dark circles that were starting to form under her eyes. Word was she was trying to broker an alliance between the turians and the krogans. If she was tired, she must have made an effort not to show it.

"What did Udina want?" she asked as she started laying the boxes on the table.

I answered plainly, "He's offered to make me a Spectre."

"And?" Her earnest blue eyes were directed to me expectantly. "You're accepting it, right?"

"It's a big honor, and a huge responsibility. Just needed to be sure."

She opened the boxes one by one, and the room was filled with the rich aromas of various dishes that I suddenly missed. "Okay. I didn't know what you wanted so I got you some sweet and sour pork, some sushi, roast duck, roast beef, pasta, and… I forgot desert."

I suddenly burst out laughing. "How many people are coming anyway?"

"Just me. Garrus and Liara wanted to come, but…"

"Garrus is safe?" I interrupted. I remembered that I have almost forgotten to ask about him, considering that Palaven was all over the news that week.

"He's fine. In fact, he's heading his own Reaper task force. Got a really important position in the turian military." The corner of her mouth twitched slightly. "Anyway, call it a rain check. After all, I haven't seen you for more than a week, and I know how cranky you can get whenever you feel like you're starving."

I playfully shook my head. "You really do know how to take care of me."

She took out a bottle of Peruvian whiskey from the last paper bag. "And of course, I didn't forget this."

"Thanks, but I'll save that for later. Maybe when I get out, you can share it with me?"

Her hand reached out for mine. "Maybe."

"Unless you want to break me out. Doc says it had something to do with my implant. I'm good to go now, but she just finds one more test to run…"

She released my hand. "You almost died," she said in a low voice. "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

She was worried. I could tell. "I know. It's just that…waiting here is so hard when you know everyone's fighting out there."

"If you accept Udina's offer," she suggested, "maybe you can get out of here."

"Yeah, I'm definitely tempted now. And I do wish to come with you."

Her graceful eyebrow raised itself. "Even if there's a possibility that I might be a Cerberus clone or a cyborg controlled by the Illusive Man?"

I confidently shook my head. "No, I believe you now. And I'm sorry for ever doubting you. I wasn't wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you. I'm sorry."

"Forgiven." A wide smile formed on her lips. I tried to meet her eyes, which continually avoided mine.

Rolling the food-heavy table between us, she asked, "So…what will it be?" The dishes were certainly delectable, especially for a hospital food starved invalid like me, but it wasn't as tempting as she was.

I leaned forward, not taking my eyes of her slightly flustered face. "I think I'll take the one in front of me."

"The roast beef then?"

I rolled my eyes when she handed me a fork. "Yeah." She wasn't getting rid of me that easily.

Sitting on the stool beside my bed, she kept averting her eyes, and grabbed the box of roast duck. After a few minutes of silence, she blurted out what probably kept bothering her, "Why the hell didn't anyone give you a shirt?"

"Maybe I asked all the nurses to burn all the shirts so I can distract you."

She nearly choked laughing. "Don't flatter yourself Major, because I've seen it all." Her eyes slowly drew an invisible line from my head, my bare chest to my blanket covered toes. "Literally. And I'm not that easily distracted, although I wouldn't mind sending you a few shirts. After all, a major with a chest like that can be tempting to a lot of nurses."

It was my turn to laugh. I mockingly rubbed a hand across it. "Well, in that case, I'll make sure to remind everyone that this chest belongs to a certain Commander Shepard."

Our laughter echoed in the room. For some time, we sat in in silence until her eyes lowered to the floor. "God, you make it sound so easy."

"What?" I examined her, taking in every tinge of happiness and regret in her delicate face.

"Being with you. After everything. Even after Mars and Horizon. Especially Horizon."

I exhaled softly. "I know. Joker told me."

She ran her fingers through her hair. "It thought it would be easy, I mean, after how much I…how much I…"

"How much you wanted me to be there for you." The confusion in her eyes was very evident when she inquisitively directed them at me. "But it's okay. Because I made you wait. It is only natural that I wait for you too. After all, I handled Horizon, badly. Seeing you again, it sent my world spinning. I'm sorry."

At that point, I managed to reach out a hand to caress her warm cheek. She closed her eyes as if she relished that moment as much I did. "Thank you."

I wish the moment lasted longer, but she drew her face away and abruptly stood up. I continued, "Even though things are still…complicated, I just need you to know: I'm not seeing anyone, and that I still care."

Her back was turned, and it was torture not get a hint of what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I begged, "Please say something."

"I should go," she said, in the dry fashion that she usually said it, and headed towards the door.

Before she stepped out, I managed to say, "I meant what I said." I think she pondered that for a moment before stepping out.

My eyes turned to where she was sitting. She never even finished her roast duck.


	8. Stupor

**A/N:** Made minor alterations (a couple of sentences) in the dialogue in the previous chapter. That is, because I saw the dialogue versions on youtube for "unfaithful Shepards" and Kaidan is more apologetic when they talk about Horizon. I think the assumption of the game for "faithful Shepards" is that in the case of the faithful Shepard, Kaidan is almost immediately forgiven, which can be problematic because that may not be the case.

The version of Horizon here is meant to be different from the version in _Eulogy_, because I simply want to give an idea of how Shepard remembers Horizon. I had to put it here to put her reaction in context.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**Stupor**

This is the hour of lead

Remembered if outlived,

As freezing persons recollect the snow-

First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

-Emily Dickinson

_Shepard_

**Horizon, 2185**

_Hold on Kaidan, I'm coming._

The Collector ship's tower-structure hovered above us, stirring dark clouds around it. Hypothetically, Mordin assured that we were safe from the seeker swarms, but the colonists weren't. The colony was haunted by a deathly stillness. Pods were scattered around like caskets in a parlor. There was no time to see if the people inside them were still alive or dead. It echoed scenes in my past that I wished to forget.

I had come to accomplish three things: to hunt down the Collectors, to prevent the kidnappings and to find someone I lost. I had hoped that I was not too late.

_I will get to you Kaidan_, _I promise._

We just had to get to the GARDIAN lasers.

A voice resounded in my head, "You will know pain, Shepard." I tried to hide, but it still found me. I tried to hunt down its source, but once I cut down its body, it merely turned to ash and possessed another. "If I must tear you apart, Shepard, I will."

Alone, I might have been overwhelmed, but with my friends I was stronger. We held our ground and drove our enemies away.

But where was he?

A distressed colonist scuffled to us, ignorantly barking about his lost friends. I felt for him, but there was nothing else I could do.

"I did what I could," I declared.

Garrus placed a sturdy hand on my battle-worn shoulders. "More than most Shepard."

Then, _he_ came. I do not know from how, or when or from where. Maybe he was always there waiting for me all along.

He said my name. _Commander Aida Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human spectre. Savior of the Citadel._

He took me in his arms, and everything simply vanished all around us. I wanted time to stop. "I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did."

I wanted to tell him how much I wanted him, how much I waited for this moment. But I had no words for it, and I could only mutter a breezily idiotic, "How have you been?"

He drew away. "Is that all you have to say?" he replied bitterly. "You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened? I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real…I loved you."

_I loved you too._

Anger flashed through his eyes. "Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you're alive?"

I sighed. I tried to, but Anderson wouldn't say anything. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed, and you've moved on. I…I don't want to reopen old wounds."

"I did move on," he admitted. "Or at least I thought I did." He told me about what he heard about Cerberus and me. Suddenly, I found myself arguing with him, trying to defend what I was trying to do for the missing colonists.

He growled, "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me."

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason."

A sigh escaped from his lips. "Maybe I don't know you at all."

His words cut, but I did my best not to show it.

"I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working for the Collectors?"

Garrus spoke up in my defense, "Dammit Kaidan! You are so focused on Cerberus, that you are ignoring the real threat."

"You're letting the way you feel about their history get in the way of the facts." I added.

"Maybe," he bitterly admitted, "Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight. You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie."

Maybe things have changed, but I still wanted him with me. Maybe I have changed, but what I felt for him was still the same.

As he started walking away, I found myself calling him back, begging him. "I could use someone like you in my crew Kaidan. It will be just like old times."

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." The way his eyes turned away, it was as if everything about me now repulsed him.

"Goodbye, Shepard. Be careful."

Like a bubble in the water, he was gone.

_Farewell._

I died once again.

**Present day**

When the door shut itself behind me, I found myself leaning on it for support. Everything about seeing Kaidan reminded me of everything we have hand. It reminded me of how much I loved him. But every time I remembered how much I loved him, all the memories that hurt kept coming back. I remembered what it was like to lose myself when I lost him. It was as if I died twice.

"What the hell was that?" blurted out a voice behind me. When her cloak faded, I realized that a friend had watched my exchange with Kaidan.

"Kasumi," I acknowledged. Since she was never able to keep her hands off other people's stuff, I should have known not to trust her to mind her own business. Calmly, I started heading away from Kaidan's door, and out of the hospital so no one could see us together. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed my porn," she admitted. "But you blotched it! You pine for him for months. And when he finally starts making it up to you, you shoot him down. What the heck, Shepard?"

I crossed my arms. "Since when did you see me pine for anyone?"

"Oh please." Pacing in circles around me, she ranted, "Back when we were all working together, everyone knew why you worked your ass off after Horizon, and why you hated going up to your own loft. You never wanted to talk about it, but it showed. That last night with all of us at Omega, Garrus had to practically get you drunk just to make you talk."

I scratched my head. I couldn't remember anything about that night, and no one wanted to tell my anything. "And did I?"

"Yeah," she snickered. "A lot. And you made Tali cry."

"What did I babble about anyway?"

"Your life story: your solitary life at Mindoir, how you lost your parents, how much you regretted that you survive Akuze while your squad did not, why you couldn't leave everyone at the Normandy behind, how you fell in love with the major and how you regretted being dumped on Horizon."

I shook my head incredulously. "I said all that?"

"I recorded it all if you're interested." Before I could protest, she took out her omni-tool and started playing a vid. "This is the climax."

_In the grainy vid, everyone was seated together on a round table littered with beer bottles. One could hear Tali's sniffles beside the one taking the vid. Garrus, who was the one sitting beside me in the vid, patted my back. In my hand, I was clutching a beer bottle, and I morosely recited a monologue of my own making:_

"_I have been struggling all my life, making up and trying to hide who I am. I never knew that all that time, I needed someone to understand me a bit, to just accept me despite all this. I needed someone to lean onto and he was happy to oblige. It just so happened that he was my lieutenant. I had to die, and he had to move on. He now thinks that I'm a traitor. Maybe it is for the best, because at least he is safe from all this mess. But I never even told him…I never even told him…"_

_Loud sobs came out of my chest. It seemed that people around us were already turning their heads to the commotion that Miranda and Jacob had to redirect their attention somewhere else. At that point, I babbled repeatedly, "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry Kaidan…I couldn't tell you…I couldn't tell you…"_

_Thankfully, I have probably taken enough alcohol to fall asleep on Samara's shoulder. Samara passed me over to Thane who carried me out. Mordin followed and stared disapprovingly at Garrus, "Excessive alcohol not the best way to acquire desired psychological results."_

_The angle refocused on the rest of the people sitting around the table. Legion kept turning his head. Jack swore and slammed a biotically lit fist down that almost cracked the table. Zaeed took a swig from his bottle, "That is why I shot my ex-wife. Couldn't kill her though." Grunt muttered, "Weak. So who are we going to shoot?" _

I wanted to die of shame, and suddenly I understood why I got a lot of hugs the day after that. "I'm going to pay you three thousand credits if you to delete that."

She determinedly shook her head.

"Five thousand?"

"Nope."

"Ten?"

"Not a chance, Shep."

"I hate you."

The elevator ride to the wards was long. Kasumi's goggles lit up, and I assumed that she was playing back some memories. A smile played on her lips. "There is a reason why I keep these vids. The same reason why I keep my memories of Keiji."

I leaned on the railing. "Isn't it hard to remember these things? Every time you remember something good won't that remind you of the painful reality that he is now gone? Won't it be just easier to forget everything?"

The light in her googles disappeared. She turned her small iridescent eyes to me. "Pain is always part of it. But I would rather have that than lose him altogether. It is the only way that I can be with him."

"That sounds so masochistic."

"Not when I focus on lovely memories that kept us together. It almost makes the pain go away. Almost."

I smiled. "First chill, then stupor, then the letting go…"

The elevator doors opened. I asked, "Ready to dig up some dirt on the hanar?"

The answer came with the triggering of her cloak.

* * *

That night, I slumped on my bed. I visited Thane, saw Kaidan, and made sure the hanar homeworld was safe. To add to that, Kasumi agreed to help the Crucible's research team. It was a relatively successful day. My eyes were actually starting to get heavy when a song started playing on my radio:

_It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now  
__There were moments of gold  
__And there were flashes of light  
__There were things I'd never do again  
__But then they'd always seemed right…_

I tried shutting it down, but it wouldn't turn off. I called, "EDI! What the heck is this?"

Her voice echoed in my room's comm. "Music, Shepard. According to my analysis, music has the tendency to help you sleep. I have installed a mood detector to determine which songs appropriately reflect your current state of mind."

The overly dramatic lyrics and melody pounded my ears and my sanity:

_There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
__And whenever you tried to hurt me  
__I just hurt you even worse  
__And so much deeper  
__There were hours that just went on for days  
__When alone at last we'd count up all the chances  
__That were lost to us forever  
__But you were history with the slamming of the door  
__And I made myself so strong again somehow  
__And I never wasted any of my time on you since then…_

"Thanks EDI. But I doubt if this will help me sleep tonight." It won't.

_Baby, Baby, Baby  
__When you touch me like this  
__And when you hold me like that  
__It was gone with the wind  
__But it's all coming back to me…_

Though EDI's attempt at putting me to sleep was completely unsuccessful, at least it kept me awake thinking about what Kasumi told me. In my terminal, I searched the files that Liara managed to salvage from my old omni-tool. All the stolen shots I took of Kaidan back in our SR-1 days were all gathered in one folder. It was all there: the first time Kaidan accidentally let slip that he fancied me, our first dance, my first birthday rose, our first picture and Ilos—it was all there. I found myself possessed with all the blissful memories of first love.

The day after that, I ordered Kaidan a shirt. A couple of hours later, he emailed me with an attached photo of himself wearing the same shirt, with the text "Property of Shepard" written crudely across it.

I added that picture to my folder, copied it to my omni-tool and smiled at it for days.

* * *

**A/N2:** The folder mentioned here is the same album in _Eulogy_.


	9. Interlude 1: Homeless

**A/N: **Sorry for the delayed update. Apart from some other things that I had to do, I've been trying to experiment on some new plot bunnies. I might delve a bit on Citadel politics after this, so I'm just seeing how far that would go.

Thank you so much for your reviews. They really make my day. To those who write guest reviews, thanks and I'm sorry I can't reply to you.

I'll be posting a few interludes like this from time to time to help give some backstory. Obviously, Kaidan is already a developed character, but Aida Shepard doesn't seem to be—yet. Hopefully, these will give the rest of the story some context.

**Interlude**

**Homeless**

Unwatch'd, the garden bough shall sway,  
The tender blossom flutter down,  
Unloved, that beech will gather brown,  
This maple burn itself away;

Till from the garden and the wild  
A fresh association blow,  
And year by year the landscape grow  
Familiar to the stranger's child;

As year by year the labourer tills  
His wonted glebe, or lops the glades;  
And year by year our memory fades  
From all the circle of the hills.

-Alfred Tennyson

_Shepard_

"You okay kid?" a turian immigration officer asked a girl who sat on the floor that whitened her dark pants with gray dust beneath his desk.

The girl had been there for days, waiting for her parents, and I don't think she every moved from that spot from the time that I first saw her while mining the Citadel dock's terminals with Kasumi a few days ago.

"They'll be here," she said with some false cheerfulness. "Maybe their shuttle is just really slow. They keep their promises."

"Okay," the turian replied ruefully, perhaps knowing that maybe one of these days, she will realize that her parents would never be able to keep their promise.

The wards are filled with tragedies like hers every single day, as millions of refugees from invaded planets tried to find some asylum in the docks. People have been trying their best, to provide food and healthcare inside the makeshift industrial crates that the refugees used as homes.

I knew what it was like to lose a home. In fact, I lost several. After Mindoir, I moved from foster home to foster home on Earth. It was not as if people were unkind, or that they mistreated me. No, in fact, these families gave me a roof over my head, and an occasional place on their tables, it was enough. I was always left alone, though. A part of me wanted some of those families to invite me for Christmas dinner, to let them play with their younger kids, or to make me feel as if they never wanted me to leave every time I had to.

Eventually, in my last foster home in London, I aged out. I moved to a hostel and eventually to a tent in Camberwell Green. The living conditions weren't exactly horrible. It was close to where I was finishing sixth form, and some shops that had people who were kind enough to let me plug some of my stuff for recharging. Reviewing for exams under a lamplight was challenging, and my marks may not have been enough to get me accepted in a university, but I knew that my Mom wanted me to get a diploma (which was something that she didn't have), and do something—whatever it was, so it was worth trying at least.

Hunger was something that I couldn't avoid. Since I managed to pilfer some junk from my last home, I got enough to construct a decent pellet rifle that I used to shoot some pigeons. It wasn't exactly legal, but it was one way to get a few meals. I didn't think anyone noticed, until I found myself being stalked by an imposingly tall, dark skinned broad chested man wearing fatigues and a layered Alliance uniform.

I must have noticed him following me one cold drizzly afternoon where clouds loomed over the sky like on my way back to the park from school. _Maybe he's going to make me find another camping spot_, I thought. _Or maybe, he wants to report me for clearing out the birds in the park_. His presence made be a bit paranoid.

I tried to lose him with a couple of turns, but he kept tailing me along the rows of Georgian houses and the decrepit Salvation Army building. Finally, as I contemplated getting on a train at Denmark Hill, he extended a large umbrella to me. "You lost kid?"

I looked at him quizzically, unsure of his intentions. "No."

"I thought so." The rain was starting to soak my weeks-old unlaundered hoodie. He started walking down the hill, and I considered following him for little cover that his umbrella gave me for a few minutes. His pace was slow, and he reluctantly turned around after a few meters. Twisting his head a bit, he gestured to some of the shops down the hill. "Come on."

I followed him inside a small Indian take-away. The heated air was relieving to my half frozen fingers, and the smell of curry reminded me of the things that were boiling inside my stomach. The Pakistani cashier eyed me suspiciously as my friend ordered a couple of chicken tikka boxes and handed one to me.

Not wanting to get a stomach-ache after, I tried not to eat as fast and as many as I wanted. I wasn't accustomed to kindness before, especially from a stranger, so I examined him as much as he examined me. He had that look in his eyes, that look that told me that he has been to places that I haven't seen before, and he knew things that only a few people knew. He asked, "Where are your parents?"

"Gone," I replied, doing my best to sound that word properly after taking a mouthful of hot rice.

"Any relatives?"

I shook my head. "None. At least none that I know of that who would have me."

"Your name?"

"Shepard, Cassandra Aida." I hated the sound of my first name. That was why I never used it.

He pointed to the pellet rifle on my pack. "Get anything useful with that thing?"

"Some." I didn't want to get arrested before I took my exams.

He pushed a form towards me. I could make out that it was an application form with the Alliance symbol on it. "What if you were given the opportunity to hunt bigger game?"

I swallowed another mouthful. "I have exams to finish, and I need to try getting into uni."

"The Alliance could get you into one," he pointed out. "As well as an implant to control that."

It must have been the changing temperatures, and the missed meals that made my hands sparkle with a slight bluish hue. At first, it was just a couple of migraines in class, and now this.

"Think about it," he continued. "The next flight to Arcturus won't leave Northolt in two weeks. When you get there, ask for Staff Commander Anderson. The Alliance could use recruits like you."

I crossed my arms. "Uh-huh. So this is just another one of those Alliance recruitment campaigns: feed the hungry homeless kid, win a friend—that kinda thing?"

He shook his head, pushed his chair back and started heading to the door. "I'm giving you a chance to return the favor, and save someone else someday. Don't waste it." I scrutinized the banknotes that he left on the table and I figured that it was probably close to 500 credits.

Two weeks later, I found myself signing up for fast track basic training, boarding that ship and never looking back—that is, not until now.

I made my way towards the turian who straightened up as soon as he saw me. "Commander Shepard."

He followed me when I gestured for him to move outside of the little girl's earshot. "As soon as she realizes that her parents are not coming back, tell her to look for Dr. Michel at Huerta Memorial. If she protests, tell her that she might find her parents there. And if she doesn't find her parents there, tell her that she may at least help other girls find their parents. If anything goes wrong, contact me. Understood?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

In the corner, the girl hugged her knees and stared out the Citadel's empty artificial sky. She may have lost her home, but I had hoped that she would at least find herself.


	10. Personal and Political (Part 1)

**A/N: **Everybody knows that Ashley/Kaidan would eventually become a Spectre. While Shepard is clearly busy curing the genophage during this time, one thing I couldn't understand in the game its inability to show Shepard being there when Kaidan does become a Spectre. For that particular reason, I decided to add that here with some complications.

By the way, where are the rest of the Kaidanites? I've looked at the old forum in Bioware social, but it's closed. Since there lots of great fan creations, I really want to be a little more updated on the craziness.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy Aida and Kaidan in this chapter.

**Chapter 8**

**Personal and Political (Part 1)**

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

—Mae West

_Shepard_

My life is all about mobility and taking action. Everything in the CIC and the Normandy was my life. Sure, I had to keep Wrex from charging Victus or Mordin occasionally, but that was them—krogan, salarian and turian. Unfortunately, I never lived long enough to completely understand why they hated each other. Thankfully, Mordin cut Wrex enough with his scalpel for him to be a little docile, and Wrex knew better not to jeopardize his people's future.

It's all politics, but because it was personal Wrex and Mordin, it also became personal to me. I also admired Eve. It wasn't because she had to endure scraping her way out of a cave, bearing stillborn children or the physical torture of Maelon's experiments; it was because she was stronger than most of us combined. It was all of us who needed saving, not her.

One day, Wrex followed me out of the CIC. "Checking up on Eve again?" I asked. He was always worried about her, and I don't think it's just because the future of the krogan depended on her.

"Nope," he replied, "Just finding an excuse to stretch my legs. The salarian may have confined me inside the Normandy, but I need to get out from that room."

"It's okay to be worried about her. Besides, aren't you two practically married by now?"

"Krogans don't usually get married. They mate."

"So? You can be mates for life, and I would really love to see that: you and her taking down the galaxy. You'll make a hell of a team."

"If I survive her nagging, maybe."

The elevator doors opened, and once we got in, I didn't even need to guess which floor Wrex wanted to go to. When we were safely behind the elevator's closed doors, Wrex sighed, "I guess this is where this is all leading to after we defeat the genophage and the Reapers: marriage, kids, family. I can imagine you and Kaidan—"

"Shepard and Kaidan are not together anymore," Joker cut in on the speaker above us. "Kaidan dumped her last year when they met on Horizon."

Wrex groaned. "Well that…sucks."

I sarcastically addressed the camera above us, "Thanks for the update on my love life, Joker." Turning to Wrex, I said, "Don't worry, we're both reasonable people and we're fine about it."

"No they're not," Joker added.

"Humans." Wrex shook his large head, obviously amused. "But you're still attending his induction ceremony, right?"

"Nope," I answered curtly. "Too busy the getting resources, fishing out stranded people in Reaper occupied territories, and there is nothing I would rather do than help cure the genophage."

"Uh-huh." Wrex eyed me disbelievingly. Sometimes, I hate it when friends know you the way they do. It wasn't like I didn't want to go to Kaidan's induction ceremony. Far from it. I just couldn't face him yet.

A few minutes after we stepped out of the elevator, Liara came running down to us. "Shepard, there is something you need to see."

My eyes examined the datapad that she handed to me. The intercepted letter was brief, but it was enough to make anyone suspicious. "Joker! Set a course for the Citadel. We're attending a Spectre induction ceremony."

I patted his back when he gave me a bemused look. "Everyone to the War Room. I'll explain everything later."

_Kaidan_

"What color are my eyes?" an asari patient mumbled nervously. "Can I get that gun now?"

I had been listening to her story for days. The asari resident assigned to her, I could only get bits of the story from time to time, but I managed to piece it all together. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

The short version of her story was: she was stationed at Tiptree for evac, and while she was taking a shower, husks arrived and her asari colleague was turned. She and the farmgirl escaped, but when help did not come, they decided to go back to the farm. She had to destroy the indoctrinated farmers who were attacking her, and Hilary (I could swear that name sounded familiar) who almost gave away their position when they were hiding.

It was a sad story, but I hear more like it every single day, and I couldn't do anything about it. Sometimes I thought about my parents and my students—whether or not they managed to escape Earth, or if they were in a hospital somewhere like I was. Every time I looked out my window, I wondered where _she_ was. I just had to get out.

_Her limp body is light in my arms. Sweet alcohol on her breath. 'Kaidan,' she whispers, 'I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry. I love you.' She smiles against my chest, 'Love…is an ever fixed mark…that looks on tempests…Kaidan.' Though she drowsily whispers another's name, she is still beautiful to me. _

I had gotten accustomed to my drell friend's trance-like outbursts. We had rehab together, and we talked a lot about him, about his son and about her.

I threw the last shirt inside my duffle bag. He just sat on the corner, meditating, praying. The sound of the zipper distracted him. He shook my hand. "Good luck, my friend," he said. "I will find you again, when you need me."

With that, he walked out the door. I was about to step out myself when the door opened and she burst in slightly panting, her hair slightly disheveled, as if she was in a hurry to catch me. I was fully aware that we were standing only inches away from each other, but she made no attempt to move back. I muttered, "It's you…"

"Yeah," she replied breathlessly before darting her eyes on the bag that I was carrying. "You're leaving?"

I nodded. "You here to stop me?"

"No." She pulled me towards her, and our lips met. Instantly, I dropped my bag on the floor, and the door closed behind us. I had almost forgotten how her lips felt like and how she usually tasted. She was still the same. I found myself overwhelmed, and the next thing I knew, I was planting kisses on her neck, on her collarbone and pressing my weight on hers against the door. Her fingers were soft on my hair. My hands started feeling for the edge of shirt when she pulled away. "Too fast…"

"Sorry." I backed up, and she sat on the bed. The sunlight that escaped the blinds shone on her seal brown hair.

"We should talk about this first."

"We should. My apartment? Later?"

She glared at me. "Kaidan…"

Fine. It was a bad idea. We might end up in bed prematurely anyway.

"The cocktails tomorrow after my induction ceremony? I could use a date."

"Great!" she answered enthusiastically. "As long as you invite Garrus, Wrex, Liara, James, and Joker too."

I eyed her suspiciously. That wasn't a date; that was a party.

She shrugged. "What? They're your friends too."

"Fine," I assented. "As long as you're coming."

"Great!" She slid off the bed and made her way towards me, bringing her face closer to mine but hesitating. "I would… but you know…" She started making awkward hand gestures to her, to me and then the bed.

"It's fine." Even if I fought the urge to kiss her again on the spot and pin her back on the door.

"Great!" This time, she was overly enthusiastic.

I leaned against the doorframe, smiling, watching her disappear outside in the hospital crowd.

I didn't understand what just happened, but I liked it.


	11. Personal and Political (Part 2)

**Chapter 9**

**Personal and Political (Part 2)**

Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.

-Niccolo Machiavelli

_Shepard_

People say that I am good at what I do, because I know how to play the parts that I need to play. Maybe it's true, and maybe sometimes I can be a little too spontaneous when I play a part, as some people have told me. That day, I was playing a woman in love who could not keep herself away. Sometimes, it is easy to get lost in the parts we play.

The Kaidan's induction ceremony was short, and the words were exactly the same as it was three years ago. Kaidan was stiffly nervous the entire time. Every time he was nervous, one could probably feel the slight tremors of dark energy around him. I'm not sure if anyone else could feel it, but I did. I kept whispering to him that he would do fine, but he wouldn't believe me. The fact that he managed to bear it without getting a sudden migraine attack made me proud that I loved him.

He gave a speech afterwards that only Udina could have arranged. It read like a speech that some talk show hosts like giving at the end of their shows to thank their sponsors. However, the last bit got to me.

_But above all, I am extending my thanks two women who made me who I am: Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams and Commander Aida Shepard. Without Williams, I would have never known what true bravery is, and I owe everything to her._ [This time, he stared directly at me.] _Without you Shepard, I never would have found myself. And after all this time, you still make me feel human._

_To close, I would like to end with the last poem that Chief Williams read to us:_

_Death closes all: but something ere the end,  
__Some work of noble note, may yet be done,  
__Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods._

_Thank you._

The audience stood up and broke into applause. I nearly cried when he mentioned Ashley and when heard what he said to me. Nearly. He couldn't conceal his surprise at his sudden popularity that he rushed back down like a sixth grader after a spelling bee to the sit beside me.

"How did I do?" he asked.

"Alright I think," I answered casually.

"What did you think of my speech?"

I smiled and whispered in his ear, "Mostly horrible. Mostly."

"Udina wrote most of it."

"Figures." I bit my lip, and Kaidan tried his best to keep his shoulders from shaking, especially when it was Udina himself who was on the platform delivering his own thank you speech.

I added, "But the last part was touching. Thank you." _You make me feel human too._

For just a few seconds, our eyes locked and I wanted everything else to disappear—Udina, the politicians, the Reapers—everything that was keeping me away from him, but I had to back away when I noticed a few flashing lights on us.

A drove of reporters led by the indomitable Khalisah al-Jilani ambushed us on our way down the Citadel Tower stairs. Most of their questions were for Udina who was very happy to answer them, but they also directed some questions to Kaidan and to me. Kaidan tried his best to not answer in dour one-liners, yeses and nos. Little by little he was getting the hang of it.

Khalisah pointed the mic to Kaidan again. "After the Normandy crash, you led several teams on geth clean-up, and a series of colony training and setup missions—most of which were classified. Even with the non-classified list that was given in the press release, this is still very impressive, and according to my sources, you volunteered. What exactly made you volunteer?"

I felt a gentle squeeze on my hand. "At first, then Councilor Anderson came to me. Afterwards, I was just bent on volunteering, that was all. I just couldn't stay where I was."

"Does this have anything to do with the loss of the Normandy?"

"Yes."

"What exactly did you feel like you lost?"

Kaidan stole a brief glace at me, and I saw a shadow of the pain that kept torturing him until Horizon.

"Everything."

Suddenly, I understood that it was because of me. For two years, he tried coping with my loss and he did more than that. All this time, he was trying to find me again, in his own way. Knowing all of this made me feel as if I wanted to turn back time, and try to not die. Of course, that is impossible. Somehow, it hurts knowing this.

Khalisah was about to say something else when Kaidan lifted a hand to interrupt her. Smiling at me briefly, he added, "But I think now I've found it all again."

I smiled back. Yes, he did find me again. For now, I am his. Only for now.

"Commander Shepard!" This time, she directed the mic to me. "Major Alenko mentioned in his speech that you made him feel human. What do you think did he mean by that?"

Without warning, I found myself being asked a question that I wasn't sure I could twist my way out of. "I'm sure Major Alenko can clarify—"

"No, Commander," she insisted. "I'm asking _you_."

Wonderful. "Kaidan is a good soldier, and a friend. What he probably meant was that I appealed to his humanity. His service under my command made him understand the best qualities that humanity has to offer, especially in terms of biotics. Isn't that right Major Alenko?"

He merely shrugged. It did not help that he had that boyish guilty expression on his face. I kicked him a little, and it seemed only then that he understood what he _had_ to say. "Uh…yes. I…think."

I almost wanted to die again—this time of embarrassment.

"Major Alenko, can you describe to us exactly what kind of relationship you have with Commander—"

The press manager interrupted her to say that there were enough questions for the day. Thank God. When I encouraged her to ask the hard questions, she really asked the _hard_ questions.

I walked to the limo as fast as I could because I suddenly wanted to find my tactical cloak. Kaidan talked behind me. Once we got inside and the doors were closed, I mumbled, "You are really terrible at this."

"I know," he relied, leaning on the seats as if he just barely escaped five squads of Cannibals, that I immediately felt sorry for him.

"You'll get used to it," I said rubbing my hand across his shoulder, and he smiled back unenthusiastically. "It is all about handling truth. Various truths control people, and make them act the way they do, so it is our job to police that. Minimize certain truths, and highlight what they need to know."

"But isn't that lying?" he pointed out. "Somehow, I may not be able to live with that."

"It wouldn't be lying if you believe that it is true. There may be some things that you say that you may have trouble believing in, but eventually, you will. There are also some things that will be easier to lie about, because you want to believe that they are true."

_Like the truth that being near you is so easy, and that nothing exists outside of us._

Sliding towards me and gently cupping my face, he declared, "This is real enough for me." He tilted his head and kissed me softly. "Thank you for being here." I drew his face back to mine, and I clung to his kisses like I clung to my reality. For the moment, I was his and he was mine. That was my reality.

He dropped me back to the Normandy, and left with a breezy, "I'll see you at eight."

Lying to him wasn't easy, because in my old life, I used to tell him everything, or at least I tried to, in the ways that I knew how.

_Tonight, I will smile for him, even if it hurts a little, I will smile for him._

* * *

_Kaidan_

I never expected to be that nervous. I only expected to listen, stand up and probably repeat a few words the way she did a few years ago, but I was given a parade. I was forced to read a speech and answer reporters. It was a bit too much, and I almost preferred to being back at the hospital with a migraine.

It was she who made everything bearable, and she did not need to do anything. Sure, I looked like an idiot, I messed up my speech, and I couldn't say anything right to the reporters (I even embarrassed her at one point), but there was something in the tender blue hue of her eyes and her smile that told me that everything was all right. I never knew what she saw in me all this time. In her eyes, it was as if there was nothing in this entire galaxy that I couldn't be. I tried to tell her in as many ways as I could, and she seemed to understand what I was trying to say. I could tell all that by the way she looked at me.

An entire floor of the Citadel Embassies has been redecorated for the party. I had some input on it. Because I knew _she_ was coming, I made a last minute request for a change of flower arrangements, so whole room was surrounded with the springtime smell and hue of her birthday flowers. Udina decided on the rest. Various exhibits showcased various human cultures and our history. With that, he was obviously trying to make a statement—that despite the invasion on Earth, humanity was stronger. The message was hard to miss.

I didn't like Udina before to be honest. After all, back in the day when we were chasing Saren, he did sell us out. He was an ass, and he always have to kiss other people's asses to be where he is. But he genuinely cared about humanity, and he did a lot for me.

As soon as I arrived, he introduced me to several dignitaries—almost all of them I didn't know—human, asari, salarians, turian, elcor, hanar, you name it. Not the krogan though. The only krogan in the room was Wrex, wincing uncomfortably in a suit that only managed fit him.

I made my way towards them when I managed to get away from Udina. Soon, James and Joker joined us, with the same mech that sent me to the hospital. I'm not sure how long I stood there paralyzed until Joker introduced her as EDI. Although EDI looked sexy in her new body, that body was still fatally creepy to me.

"When Shepard asked us to take point with her," Wrex lamented to Garrus, "I never imagined this. I look ridiculous."

"Yeah," replied Garrus miserably after taking a sip from his glass. "In parties like this, one could only hope for a nice bombing, a robbery or an attack just to liven things up."

EDI added, "Given the current guest list, the probability of one of those events happening is 90, 88 and 94 percent respectively. To add to that is this platform's vulnerability to hacking programs, and the fact that I could assist potential hostiles in terms of sabotage."

I must have backed away a little when she said that.

"That was a joke."

"Right EDI," added Joker, "Keep scaring Kaidan shitless."

"In an hour or two," Wrex said with much certainty. "It will liven up."

I was about to ask what he meant by that, but Garrus suddenly raised his glass. "To Kaidan: for coming back from the dead. May he long follow in Shepard's footsteps."

Everyone drank to that toast. I was about to say something in response, when James, who was strangely silent throughout that time suddenly whistled, "Oooh Lo-La."

I turned to where he was looking, and saw _her_. She was in a short collared black dress that traced the graceful curves of her body. Her long dark curls and tresses fell gently on her shoulders, lightly framing her ivory face like a dark halo while she smelled the tea roses on a vase near the entrance. For a moment, I forgot about breathing.

Glancing back to my previous audience, I noticed the whole ensemble looking at me knowingly. I felt a light pat on my shoulder. Liara appeared beside me, mouthed "Good luck" and gave me a light push towards her.

Once again, I felt like the bumbling idiot that I was the first time I met her. And then I knew exactly what to say. "Aida," I called.

Instantly, she turned, and stared at me, speechless for a few seconds.

"Happy birthday," I said.

"You didn't have to Kaidan," she replied, shaking her head. "This is your party."

"No, it is ours. All of this…this wouldn't matter if not for you. Shepard, I—"

Her soft fingers touched my lips. A smile played on her lips. "I liked the part when you said my name."

I remembered the first time I said it. It was that night, our night on Ilos.

"Aida," I repeated. "Aida, Aida."

A peal of her musical laugh resounded. "Now you sound weird."

"I don't care, Aida."

Our laughter was cut short by the music that the orchestra started playing. I was about to ask her for a dance when she protested. "No, no. I am not stepping on your toes tonight."

I dragged her to the dance floor anyway. I draped her arm on my shoulders, and laced her other hand in mine. She kept looking down on her feet, and was overly conscious of following the beat. "1, 2, 3, 4 or is it 1, 2, 3? 1, 2, 3, 1, 2...what?" She glared agitatedly.

I snickered. I had forgotten how terrible she was at dancing. It wasn't completely her fault though, because, as she told me, she never made it to any of her proms or school dances before she enlisted. I tried teaching her the little I know when I was with her, but she was almost hopeless. Almost. "You are clearly out of practice."

"Of course I am. There aren't exactly a good number of dance partners in the Normandy."

I knew she was referring to the time I was gone. Despite the fact that I knew that she had never cheated on me, a slight pang of jealousy came. "Thane?" I asked.

Thane was my friend too, but I guess I was envious of the time he was with her—that time when I couldn't see past her siding with Cerberus on the Collectors. She looked at me inquisitively.

"C'mon, don't tell me you haven't noticed."

"I did notice. I wish I could return his feelings, but I just couldn't."

"Why? Because he's dying?"

"He isn't you." She said it so plainly that I instantly believed her.

"Well, I—ow!" The sentence was lost when I felt her heel on one of my toes. I kept myself from shouting a number of expletives, and tried to smile it off. "Dammit Shepard! Being with you really does hurt."

She laughed again, apologetically.

The music slowed. Finally her feet managed to follow. She wrapped arms around my shoulders. The softness of her hair brushed my cheek. My hands found their way at the top of her ass. Her nearness was exhilarating. Our legs twisted, our bodies turned, and the whole universe spun around us.

"I wish this would never end," she whispered.

"It doesn't have to. We're Spectres now. We can do whatever we want." My lips found a soft spot in her earlobe. "Tomorrow we can save the galaxy together."

"If only that were true."

I was about to say something in reply when someone hissed behind me. "Commander Shepard…"

We stopped dancing. I turned to face a female salarian who stared ominously at Shepard.

"Dalatrass Linron," Shepard sternly replied in acknowledgement.

The dalatrass, not noticing me, haughtily shifted her gaze towards Wrex and Garrus at the bar across us. "I see you have brought your pets to this little gathering."

Shepard crossed her arms and returned her gaze. "Last I heard, this is for Major Alenko, and humanity's allies." I kept hearing my name, but it was as if I wasn't there.

"Allies?" the dalatrass scoffed while pacing around us. "Those krogan brutes that you are choosing to uplift have no allies, only enemies—challenges for their base urges, their lust for war. In fact, you Commander and your pets have caused enough trouble already. Your antics at Sur'Kesh nearly caused the destruction one of our STG bases."

"It was Cerberus that attacked us!"

"Because of the krogan female and the data that you tried to save!"

"The exact information that you leaked to Cerberus!"

The dalatrass froze. "How dare you accuse—"

She stopped when she saw Wrex charging at us, shoving people in his path and stopping short a few inches before the datatrass' face. "I've had enough of your insults! I say we drag the salarian out and eat her liver."

There was a collective gasp when the lights flickered and went out. Within seconds, red salarian lasers were aimed at Wrex from above. When the lights went on again, Udina tried to calmly make his way towards us with a team of human embassy guards. "Dalatrass Linron, there is no need for such theatrics. I am sure Shepard here can be persuaded to cooperate."

Udina pulled Shepard aside by the arm, and whispered something that made Shepard glare and point an accusing finger at him. "I am not playing your games Udina! You sold me out once, I will not let you do so again."

"Now is not the time, Shepard…" Udina could not hide scowl on his face at this point.

"What are you playing…?"

Udina glowered, "I think it is time for you and your friends to leave, Commander."

Wordlessly, Shepard motioned Wrex and the others towards the doors, but not after glowering back at Udina.

The music resumed, after Shepard and the rest made their exit. The audience around us seemed shaken a bit, but the party went on as if nothing happened.

I myself didn't understand what just happened. I didn't care. Soon, I found myself running down to the entrance after her. I caught up with her on the stairs outside.

"Shepard! Wait!" I called. "Aida!"

The sound of her name made her stop. She gestured to the others to walk on ahead. Turning to me, she said, "You saw what happened! I am not welcome there."

"Because you and Wrex caused a scene," I pointed out. "Maybe we can come back inside and sort this thing out."

I tried to reach for her hand, but she shoved mine away.

"No!" she shouted, staring at me disbelievingly, as if I betrayed her. "Don't you get it Kaidan? This is their party, not yours. It was never ours."

The truth sent a pang. It was never about us. I never liked politics, but I never regretted being part of it as much as I did at that moment. "Forget the datarass, Udina, just…stay. Stay with me."

She was about to turn away, when a familiar tune started playing from inside the building we just left.

_I love you more today than yesterday  
__But not as much as tomorrow  
__I love you more today than yesterday  
__But only half as much as tomorrow…_

It was our song. The melody was still the same, and the words still rang true to me as that day when we first danced along to it. All this time, those lyrics contained what I was trying to tell her.

She laughed bitterly, "We need a new song."

"If you come back inside," I forced a smile, "I'll tell them to play anything you want. Just stay. Please."

_I need you to stay. I want you to stay._

A limo pulled up right before us. She paused for a moment, glancing at it and then me, like she was trying to decide which one to follow. "Goodbye Kaidan," she whispered painfully before ducking inside.

As the limo disappeared into the traffic, I realized that it was the second time that she walked away from me.

* * *

_Shepard_

As soon I was safely inside the car with Garrus, Wrex, EDI, James, Liara and Joker, I pressed the comm in my ear. "Did you get it Kasumi?"

"Oh Shep," she happily answered over the comm. "When did I ever let you down?"

"Mordin?"

"Nothing Shepard," he replied. "Data looks clean, but you never know. STG communications always well-coded, including non-political communications."

"Liara?" I called her attention as she was busy looking over data on her omni-tool. "Find anything?"

She shook her head regretfully. "Nothing."

"Dammit!" I shouted. At that point, I may have been too much into the night's drama.

"Think we bugged the wrong office?" she asked.

"Maybe."

Okay, let me start from the beginning.

The email that Liara called my attention to was one that was intercepted from STG. No details were given about the sender or the receiver, but it gave information about where to pick-up Eve in Sur'Kesh. We hatched up a plan to copy some files and to bug the STG office in the Embassies, with a little help from Kasumi. We had hoped to get something that would give us an idea on the email's sender and receiver. Firstly, I had to make sure the team got invitations. Secondly, I had to think of something to thin the number of STG guards so that Kasumi could get in, hence the theatrics. I knew that Dalatrass wouldn't be able to stand the sight of Wrex, but I did ask Wrex to exaggerate a bit. "Thanks Wrex," I said.

"Nah," he replied. "I've always wanted to shoot that salarian anyway. Not that you ever gave me a chance…"

I sighed. "I guess it was all for nothing then."

"Not all for nothing Shepard," Liara pointed out. "Now that we can monitor STG's communications, maybe we can, through their intelligence, get something that would pinpoint Cerberus' political contacts. I could seed the information…"

"Okay Liara," I interrupted. At that point I didn't care. We pulled a heist and we failed. And I shot Kaidan down again. This time with much more drama.

Garrus placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine Garrus," I said reassuringly.

"Are you really?" he asked determinedly.

No, I wasn't, but I had to be.

Liara stood up and transferred to a seat beside me. "Look, maybe I can leak something to Kaidan, especially if someone of that influence is moving against us."

Udina, maybe? I thought. The way he suddenly sided with the salarians, when he initially was the one who encouraged me to aid the turians, was definitely suspicious. But at that moment, I stopped caring. "Do what you want. I just need to get out of here."

_Away from Kaidan. Away from all this._

All this time, I knew that they all wanted to tell Kaidan, Liara and Joker especially, but I just wouldn't let them. Somehow, I couldn't. Maybe I should have, but I just couldn't. I kept telling myself that I was protecting him, but I got him involved anyway.

I had my regrets, but I knew that they wouldn't give me solutions. I needed to find a cure for the genophage. I needed to finish the mess I started.

The next morning, we set out to do just that.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks so much for those who helped me with Tumblr. I'm new there, and I am so glad to find Kaidanites there. Of course, I still miss the old forum. To those who reviewed, favorited and to those who started following this story, thank you so much. They all make my day.

I'm really sorry that this took so long. I had a hard time deciding what to include and what not to include. I had to delete a lot of stuff, mostly Normandy crew banter with Traynor and Mordin, because they didn't do much to the story. The parts with Traynor made the chapter read like _Pretty Woman_, and Mordin's part mostly contained just sex advice anyway, similar to the sex advice scenes in ME2. They were all amusing to write, but not essential to the story.

I changed the politics a bit. ME's politics have been vague anyway. I hope this is still believable. I know at this point, Udina is going crazy and tensions are high between the krogans, the turians and the salarians. I just decided to escalate it a little bit. I may be intensifying Udina's ambitions a bit more. I don't buy the fact that he betrayed everyone because of hopelessness, and the madness that resulted from it. He also had some political ambition. I believe he was trying to do save humanity and get more power at the same time.

Dalatrass Linron is always annoying. I'm still thinking about letting Liara or Kaidan find something that would accuse her of corruption, and whether or not that will happen in this actual story or if it should merely be implied. Of course, that is minor. The events leading to the Cerberus attack is much more important.

I also want to give Liara some more autonomy later on. As the Shadow Broker, I want her to know about Udina's betrayal and the Cerberus attack along with STG. I also want Kaidan to find things out himself. That will, of course, change the depiction of the standoff, but I want their parts to be bigger.

Hopefully, this is all believable.

The next chapter is an interlude containing a Kaidan-Aida ME1 story not included in _Eulogy._ Hopefully, it will help contextualize things, because at the moment, I want to strangle Aida for making this chapter melodramatic. Oh well, I think it is because she has trouble understanding herself in the first place, and she always needs a script. After that, I'm going to let Kaidan play detective.


End file.
